Change Your Thinking with CBT

it is important to distinguish the person’s actions from the person as a whole.

Whenever things don’t work out, it is always useful to appraise the situation and objectively reflect on the reasons.

Whenever things don’t work out, it is always useful to appraise the situation and objectively reflect on the reasons. Identifying factors that contributed to our negative experiences instead of labelling ourself as a failure gives us the opportunity to learn from those experiences without diminishing our self-esteem (see also Chapter 7).

By focusing on the possibility that things might go wrong, we make ourselves anxious in the present, and lose our ability to engage fully with the things happening around us.

The challenge is to learn to live with uncertainty, particularly in situations beyond our control. This means acknowledging that bad things can happen (although most of the time they don’t), and recognising that even if they should happen we will cope with them when we need to.

we don’t live in an ideal world. The reality is that many things in life are not fair, and the belief that they should be leaves us feeling angry and resentful.

There are some things that we can control, and others that we can’t. Our job is to work out which is which.

Hindsight vision is irrational because whatever we do, we are always operating with limited knowledge and awareness.

Hindsight vision is irrational because whatever we do, we are always operating with limited knowledge and awareness. The decisions we make at any time are always constrained by limited knowledge at the time.

Secondly, we are assuming that a different decision would have resulted in a better outcome. But how do we know? We can never know the consequences of taking an alternative route because we didn’t go there.

Upsetting emotions such as anger, frustration, guilt, anxiety and depression are often caused and perpetuated by beliefs that are negative, biased or unreasonable. These beliefs are often held as rigid rules or ‘shoulds’, within our mind.

Awareness of our thoughts is helpful. The habit of noticing and labelling unreasonable thinking (e.g. ‘I’m personalising again’, ‘I’m mind-reading’ or ‘I just jumped to another negative conclusion’) can help us to see things in a more reasonable light.

logical disputing. This involves challenging the rigidity of our thinking (that is, our assumption that things must be a certain way) and identifying a more balanced perspective.

I prefer people to like me but it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. I can cope even if some people don’t like me, in the same way that others can cope if I don’t like them.

People have the right to different values and beliefs from mine, and will sometimes say or do things that I don’t like. It would be nice if others always did what I believe is right, but there is no reason why they must.

It’s nice when things go well for me, and much of the time they do. But there is no reason why things must always go smoothly. Hassles are a normal part of life.

It is disappointing and inconvenient when things don’t go the way that I would like, but it is very rarely awful or catastrophic.

Avoiding my problems may be easier in the short term, but not in the long term. It is often helpful to move outside of my comfort zone to confront problems and try to solve them.

It is possible to feel good, even when some things are not going well for me. My life comprises many different areas, and I can enjoy some aspects of my life, even when facing major challenges in other areas.

Dwelling on situations that I can’t control doesn’t change their outcomes, but creates anxiety. Rather than speculating on what may or may not happen, I can choose to deal with problems when they actually arise.