Change Your Thinking with CBT

There are also people who are far less attractive, less clever, less well-off, less sociable and less privileged than we are.

A more healthy way of thinking is to acknowledge that some people are especially lucky, gifted or privileged, without begrudging their good fortune or using their success as a yardstick for our own worth. Instead, we can set goals that are realistic and life-enhancing for us, and enjoy working towards them without making comparisons.

worth. While there is nothing wrong with aiming for excellence, problems arise when our achievements or possessions become the basis of our self-esteem. This is conditional self-acceptance—I am OK, as long as I make lots of money, have a high-powered job, get that degree, buy that car or lose that weight.

While there is nothing wrong with aiming for excellence, problems arise when our achievements or possessions become the basis of our self-esteem. This is conditional self-acceptance—I am OK, as long as I make lots of money, have a high-powered job, get that degree, buy that car or lose that weight.

A further problem with equating our worth with our achievements is that it often leads to a lifestyle that is unbalanced and stressful.

perfectionists are often motivated by the belief that achievements equal self-worth.

perfectionists are often motivated by the belief that achievements equal self-worth. Unrealistically high expectations means that they rarely feel satisfied with themselves or their performance.

Like most people who rely on achievements for self-worth, the promotion provides temporary elevation in self-esteem, which soon evaporates.

Like most people who rely on achievements for self-worth, the promotion provides temporary elevation in self-esteem, which soon evaporates. In addition, his stressful and unbalanced lifestyle creates other problems that Roy does not have time to address—his marriage is disintegrating, his children barely know him, he has few friends and he has developed high blood pressure and other health problems.

most people who do this will attest that in spite of their best efforts to excel, this does not win them the love, admiration or friendships they are seeking. While others might admire their achievements, excelling at something rarely makes people like us.

We are far more likely to win people’s affection if we share common values and interests, and demonstrate traits like friendliness, honesty, loyalty and a genuine interest in others.

Paradoxically, instead of spending our time trying to being brilliant, we are more likely to get what we want if we devote more time to nurturing relationships and taking a greater interest in other people.

Having a university degree or a high-powered job is right for some people but it’s not the path that I could have managed, as I wanted to be there for my children. The choices I made were valid for me. While it sounds glamorous, having a university degree or a high-powered job would not make me a better person. I don’t have to prove my worth with jobs or qualifications. I appreciate my own lifestyle and freedom. I’m very lucky.

The stronger our need for approval, the more vulnerable we become to anxiety, depression and feelings of low self-worth.

We are also more likely to behave in self-defeating ways—trying too hard to please others and always putting our own needs last.

We are also more likely to behave in self-defeating ways—trying too hard to please others and always putting our own needs last. Paradoxically, this behaviour frequently has the opposite effect—people often sense our desperation to be liked and respond with limited respect.

People with healthy self-esteem are authentic, and are often willing to say or do things that might make them stand apart from others at times. For instance, they might take a stand against a prevailing view, choose not to go where everyone else is going, choose not to laugh when they don’t think it’s funny or choose not to care if they don’t think it matters.

times it is appropriate to compromise—it may be perfectly valid to do things we don’t particularly want to do out of consideration for others.

at times it is appropriate to compromise—it may be perfectly valid to do things we don’t particularly want to do out of consideration for others.

people frequently admire those who have the courage to be authentic, in spite of social pressure to conform.