Change Your Thinking with CBT

OVER NINETY PER CENT OF THE THINGS WE FEAR DO NOT EVENTUATE

the majority of times when we expect the worst, nothing terrible happens.

What would you tell a friend who was in your situation?

deliberately choosing to recreate the feared sensations ultimately reduces our fear of them.

Exposure exercises are useful for overcoming all types of fears and phobias, including social phobia, specific phobias (such as spiders, flying, elevators and snakes) and the ubiquitous fear of public speaking. In each case, creating a schedule of situations we fear, and then deliberately putting ourselves in those situations for a period of time enables habituation to take place.

Take in one diaphragmatic breath, and hold it to the count of ten. Breathe out slowly, mentally saying the word ‘relax’ as you do so. Then breathe in to the count of three and out to the count of three, mentally saying the word ‘relax’ at the end of each out-breath. This process will slow your breathing rate to ten breaths per minute. Do this for ten breaths, and then take another diaphragmatic breath and count to ten, and return to slow breathing again.

a partner, friends or family members who tell you that you are wonderful, lovable and important to them helps to reinforce perceptions of worth. On the other hand, a significant other who frequently carps, criticises and puts you down can have the opposite effect.

Comparing ourselves with others invariably gets us into trouble. The problem is that there will always be people who are smarter than we are; who are thinner and more attractive; who have more friends; who go out more; who have a better sense of humour; who have more exciting sex; who make more money; who live in nicer houses and own better cars and who have more interesting things to say.

There are also people who are far less attractive, less clever, less well-off, less sociable and less privileged than we are. If our self-esteem is fragile, we tend to disregard those in this second category, and limit our self-comparisons to those we consider to be better than us in some way.

A more healthy way of thinking is to acknowledge that some people are especially lucky, gifted or privileged, without begrudging their good fortune or using their success as a yardstick for our own worth. Instead, we can set goals that are realistic and life-enhancing for us, and enjoy working towards them without making comparisons.

worth. While there is nothing wrong with aiming for excellence, problems arise when our achievements or possessions become the basis of our self-esteem. This is conditional self-acceptance—I am OK, as long as I make lots of money, have a high-powered job, get that degree, buy that car or lose that weight.

A further problem with equating our worth with our achievements is that it often leads to a lifestyle that is unbalanced and stressful.

perfectionists are often motivated by the belief that achievements equal self-worth. Unrealistically high expectations means that they rarely feel satisfied with themselves or their performance.

Like most people who rely on achievements for self-worth, the promotion provides temporary elevation in self-esteem, which soon evaporates. In addition, his stressful and unbalanced lifestyle creates other problems that Roy does not have time to address—his marriage is disintegrating, his children barely know him, he has few friends and he has developed high blood pressure and other health problems.

most people who do this will attest that in spite of their best efforts to excel, this does not win them the love, admiration or friendships they are seeking. While others might admire their achievements, excelling at something rarely makes people like us.

We are far more likely to win people’s affection if we share common values and interests, and demonstrate traits like friendliness, honesty, loyalty and a genuine interest in others.

Paradoxically, instead of spending our time trying to being brilliant, we are more likely to get what we want if we devote more time to nurturing relationships and taking a greater interest in other people.

Having a university degree or a high-powered job is right for some people but it’s not the path that I could have managed, as I wanted to be there for my children. The choices I made were valid for me. While it sounds glamorous, having a university degree or a high-powered job would not make me a better person. I don’t have to prove my worth with jobs or qualifications. I appreciate my own lifestyle and freedom. I’m very lucky.

The stronger our need for approval, the more vulnerable we become to anxiety, depression and feelings of low self-worth.

We are also more likely to behave in self-defeating ways—trying too hard to please others and always putting our own needs last. Paradoxically, this behaviour frequently has the opposite effect—people often sense our desperation to be liked and respond with limited respect.