Change Your Thinking with CBT

When things don’t work out the way we would like, we can make ourselves miserable by demanding that it should not be this way, or we can adjust and move on by choosing to think in a more flexible way.

Sometimes just recognising that our thoughts are unreasonable enables us to see things differently. At other times we need to challenge them more vigorously using a thought monitoring form.

sometimes things don’t work out, and in spite of our best intentions we are not able to meet our commitments.

Whenever you have difficulty identifying your thoughts, try this exercise: Close your eyes and ask yourself ‘What’s going on for me right now?’ Take two minutes to observe your inner world—feelings, body sensations, images and thoughts.

BLACK-AND-WHITE THINKING This is the tendency to see things in a polarised way, without recognising the middle ground.

It is easy to feel indignant and trade insults with or ‘write off’ someone who is rude; it is harder to understand them. Recognising that the behaviour of others largely reflects their own personality and state of mind, and choosing not to take offence at their behaviour requires insight and cognitive flexibility.

we may find ourselves focusing on just the negative elements of a situation, while ignoring all other relevant information

MIND READING This is a specific type of jumping to conclusions, based on the assumption that we know what other people are thinking. We assume negative evaluation by others,

As so often happens when we mind-read, not only do we feel bad, but we also behave in self-defeating ways.

We are just not that important in other people’s minds, in the same way that they don’t figure very much in ours.

Acceptance doesn’t mean endorsement or saying that things are good. It means accepting bad reality and accepting that limited change is likely in the world right now.

The way that we think about our mistakes or perceived flaws reflects our degree of cognitive flexibility. Sometimes it is rational and appropriate to tell ourselves, ‘That was a silly thing to do—I need to be more careful’, or ‘I’m not very motivated when it comes to cleaning the house’, or ‘My memory is not as good as it used to be’. Thoughts such as these do not create problems because even though they acknowledge mistakes or perceived weaknesses, they are specific rather than global.

Labelling others is just as unreasonable as labelling ourselves, since we sum up an entire person on the basis of particular behaviours or characteristics.

Labelling others is also self-defeating because it fuels resentment, wastes our energy and makes it harder to get on with people.

it is important to distinguish the person’s actions from the person as a whole.

Whenever things don’t work out, it is always useful to appraise the situation and objectively reflect on the reasons. Identifying factors that contributed to our negative experiences instead of labelling ourself as a failure gives us the opportunity to learn from those experiences without diminishing our self-esteem (see also Chapter 7).

By focusing on the possibility that things might go wrong, we make ourselves anxious in the present, and lose our ability to engage fully with the things happening around us.

The challenge is to learn to live with uncertainty, particularly in situations beyond our control. This means acknowledging that bad things can happen (although most of the time they don’t), and recognising that even if they should happen we will cope with them when we need to.

we don’t live in an ideal world. The reality is that many things in life are not fair, and the belief that they should be leaves us feeling angry and resentful.

There are some things that we can control, and others that we can’t. Our job is to work out which is which.