Change Your Thinking with CBT

As with all beliefs, the excessive need for approval and fear of rejection is reflected in the way we behave. For instance, we might typically try to please or impress people by agreeing with them; not clearly stating what we think or want; being excessively generous or trying too hard to be likeable.

For those who worry too much about what others might think of them, behavioural disputing is a great way to confront this concern.

Shame-attacking involves deliberately doing things that might elicit negative appraisal.

In a now famous personal anecdote, Ellis described his experience of confronting his own fear of rejection by asking out over 100 women who he approached on a park bench. According to Ellis: ‘I realised that throughout this exercise no one vomited, no one called a cop and I didn’t die.

‘I could never have believed that dancing a conga line in the main street of Sydney could be so liberating. Most people didn’t even look at us, and those that did didn’t seem to care. It really brought home to me the fact that so much of my worry about what others think of me is just inside my own head.’

Exercises such as these enable us to learn that even if we do look silly or draw attention to ourselves, people rarely notice or care and, even if some do think we are strange, there are rarely any significant consequences.

Say what you think rather than what you believe others want to hear, and observe whether negative consequences ensue.

Say what you think rather than what you believe others want to hear, and observe whether negative consequences ensue. If you frequently agree with others in order to win their approval, then practise expressing your disagreement when you genuinely disagree.

Parents who have very high expectations of their children; who are frequently critical of their children; whose affection is contingent on their children’s achievements; and who display perfectionist behaviours themselves are more likely to give rise to children with perfectionist traits.

individuals with high trait anxiety are often drawn to perfectionist behaviours because it creates the illusion of control.

We strive for perfection because it makes our world seem less random, and therefore safer. The behaviour also sustains our desire for approval, as we believe that doing things perfectly will elevate our standing in the eyes of others. It may feel like excelling in what we do will make us popular and respected.

Perfectionist attitudes often cause procrastination, as the fear of falling short makes it hard to get started.

The advantages of spending many extra hours on particular jobs are often marginal, while the costs may be substantial.

Perfectionist attitudes limit our ability to relax, enjoy healthy self-esteem and take pleasure in activities that are not focused on outcomes.

Many people with perfectionist traits also set very high standards for other people—partners, friends, children or work colleagues—and are frequently critical as a result.

Many people with perfectionist traits also set very high standards for other people—partners, friends, children or work colleagues—and are frequently critical as a result. This makes them hard to live with, and consequently their relationships suffer.

While Cassie believes that the job itself is stressful, the truth is that Cassie’s perfectionism is the main problem,

Setting time limits on the tasks that we perform gives us the opportunity to observe the consequences.

over time she discovered that lowering her standards did not result in negative consequences, and so her anxiety subsided.

Todd chooses to deliberately make ‘errors’ in his weekly tennis game, to help him challenge perfectionist attitudes about the standard of his game.