Change Your Thinking with CBT

While talking to a third party can be helpful, sometimes it is best to speak directly to the person we feel angry with.

Sometimes it is difficult to directly confront the person we feel angry with because the issue is too upsetting and we don’t feel confident that we will remain calm and express ourselves well.

While sending the letter or email helps the other person to understand our position, sometimes it is the process of writing that matters, and the letter can be discarded or deleted after it has been written.

People’s actions are often unreasonable, but whether or not we get mad, and how mad we become, depends on our own thoughts and beliefs.

it’s all about the meanings we give to things.

Staying angry gives me no power at all. Anger distracts my attention, wastes my energy and keeps me thinking about the very person I resent. This takes away my power.

My anger has no effect on the other person—it only affects me.

Releasing my anger makes no difference to them, as they are not affected by what is on my mind. It would be a victory for me, because I am the one who is disempowered by my anger.

Anger is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die. CARRIE FISHER

the costs of staying angry far outweigh the benefits.

My goals are to have a close family—to have good relationships with Val and the boys. Getting angry when I think they’re wasting time doesn’t change their behaviour—it only makes them feel bad and pushes them away. Demanding that they should behave more responsibly doesn’t change their behaviour, and it creates distance between us. I’ve told them what I think several times—now I need to let it go and allow them to take responsibility for their own actions. *

it is also important to be flexible and accept that in the real world, people will not always do what we think they should.

Choosing to accept situations that I can’t change is a strength, not a weakness.

Justice is often subjective. What seems fair by one person is not always fair to another.

The lesson to be learned here is that although we may be strongly attached to our point of view, it is not necessarily ‘truth’. It is merely one of many possible ways of seeing our situation.

At times people behave rudely, selfishly or obnoxiously, but it’s not always about us. When we observe this in others it is instructive to ask ourselves, ‘What does this behaviour tell me about this person?’

The hateful, the intolerant, the angry, the obnoxious—you do not need to wish them to go to hell. They are already there.

EMPATHY It’s easy to feel resentment towards people who say or do things we don’t like. It is much harder to understand them—their thoughts, their motives, their insecurities or their pain.

When you see a person’s vulnerabilities and understand how things are from their perspective, anger disappears and empathy takes its place.

‘laying down of arms’ releases tension and not infrequently reduces feelings of animosity. As we release resentment, we free ourselves to focus on other more worthwhile things.