How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

Tell your kid, ‘I’m too upset to talk right now! We’ll talk about this later.’ Or roar it. ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’ Then take a break if you can. Go for a walk if there’s another adult around, or to your room, or the bathroom, or wherever you can find refuge. Do whatever it is you do that makes you feel better. Run around the block, do push-ups, put on music, curl up with an understanding dog. You’ll come back refreshed and ready to use some tools.”

What has the child learned? That when an adult gets angry it’s not the end of the world. It’s a temporary condition. Problems that cannot be solved in the heat of the moment can be solved later, when calmer, cooler moods prevail.

1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly

2. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t

3. Don’t Forget the Basics—Give Yourself and Your Child Time to Recover

“When a kid says, ‘She poked me!’ instead of focusing on the perpetrator, we can focus on the victim.

Tattling—Snitches and Whistle-Blowers

If we ignore the tattler she’ll be confused and frustrated. Why is this rule suddenly not a rule? When we accept her feelings and address the problem, she’s going to calm down. By not punishing the perpetrator, we remove the incentive to tattle purely for the pleasure of power.

Little kids have different priorities from their parents. Let’s face it, they don’t care about disorder the way we do.

The first thing to do is adjust your expectations. We can’t expect kids to naturally want to clean up. Like it or not, it’s our job to make the task appealing.

Helping out with cleanup is a good opportunity for them to develop new skills and contribute to the family. Even a child too young to care about order and organization can feel a sense of purpose and pride that comes from helping out.

You can offer a choice and at the same time make the task feel less overwhelming: “Do you want to start by picking up all the books, or by tossing all the dirty clothes

You can make it a game: “How many blocks can we get into the bag in two minutes? Johnny, you set the timer. Ready . . . set . . . GO!”

Describe what you see with appreciation. “Wow, look at this big cleanup you did. You guys are quite a team. This floor was covered with dirty laundry and train tracks, and now it’s a pleasure to walk on!”

It’s important to point out progress instead of criticizing an incomplete job.

When children have left you an unpleasant surprise, resist the urge to threaten and accuse: “Who made this big mess? No TV tonight if this doesn’t get cleaned up.” Instead, stick with describing what you see and giving information. “I see crumbs all over the floor. That will attract ants. This room needs a good sweeping. Here’s the broom!”

If you feel the urge to lecture, try to limit yourself to a word.

What’s important at this stage is developing a positive feeling about being helpful and working together.

We always have the fallback of taking action without insult. If you need to restrain her, you can do it with understanding and sympathy. “I’m going to hold you on my lap while the doctor gives you the injection. I know you don’t like this. I wish there were a less painful way to protect you from diseases.”

That kids are different. That some tools will work for one kid and not another. That sometimes it helps to put the child in the driver’s seat and let him control the action. That other times it’s best to take action—take the child out of the driver’s seat and not burden him with that responsibility. That parenting is an art, not a science. And that I’d better not get too smug.