How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

take dessert out of the equation. It’s too hard to get Anton to eat a healthy meal when he’s focused on dessert. We have cookies in the house, but we don’t serve them after dinner. We have them as an afternoon snack. And I make sure to call sweet things ‘treats’ rather than junk food. I don’t want to teach him that what tastes good to him is junk or garbage.

It’s really hard to resist telling her what to do when the solution is so obvious, but this is clearly the better way.

When angry feelings do boil over and you have to protect a sibling from physical attack, it’s important to take action without reinforcing negative feelings. While grabbing up the aggressor, resist the temptation to say, “There you go again. You’re too rough! Now you made the baby cry. That’s mean!” Instead, snatch him away without insulting his character: “I can see you’re angry! I can’t let anyone get hurt. We need to separate!”

1. Accept Feelings

2. Give Wishes in Fantasy: Let

3. Describe What You See:

4. Put the Child in Charge

5. Reconnect With Your Child

7. Try Problem-Solving: Resist the urge to take sides and don’t minimize the problem!

Children don’t really make any part of life more efficient.

The challenge for the adult is to resist the temptation to shame the child or to label him a liar.

“Look at it this way. If you see your son with a bat in his hand standing next to a freshly broken window, there’s no need to ask, ‘Did you break that window?

Instead of accusing and interrogating, state the obvious. In the case of the purloined dessert, you can simply say, “I see you ate the cake.”

If she protests, don’t call her a liar. Instead, you can accept the feeling behind the protest. “It’s not easy to resist eating chocolate cake when it’s sitting right in front of you. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it!”

Let her know how you feel: “I’m very upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!” Make a plan for the future:

Make a plan for the future: “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.” And you might also do some planning of your own. The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert. Make it easier for your child to practice honesty—adjust your expectations and manage the environment.

We help our children face up to this challenge when we minimize the accusations, let them know we understand how they feel, and show them how to make amends.

“It can be scary to tell the truth when you feel bad about what you did. But you did tell the truth, even though it wasn’t easy.”

“First you let her know how you feel, and then you give her the words she can use to express herself without irritating you.

“Except that you can always go ahead and say the unhelpful thing, and then come back later when you’re not so upset and give it another try. That’s what I often end up doing. When I’m feeling attacked I don’t usually come up with the perfectly crafted response. But even while I’m yelling, there’s a little voice in the back of my head saying, ‘I’m going to fix this later.’ Kids can be pretty forgiving as long as you don’t say anything truly damaging.