How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen
by Joanna Faber · 280 highlights
This is not to say that you won’t sometimes have to separate a child from a situation that is overwhelming him. If you really want to use the phrase time-out in a positive way, you can say, “We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!” You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not to punish. It’s a way of letting our children know that sometimes we need to take a break
This is not to say that you won’t sometimes have to separate a child from a situation that is overwhelming him. If you really want to use the phrase time-out in a positive way, you can say, “We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!” You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not to punish. It’s a way of letting our children know that sometimes we need to take a break before we can solve a problem.
“Jackie, come over here and sit with me for a little while. We need some time-out.” She’d sit with her arm comfortingly around her daughter for a few minutes, then ask her if she thought she was ready to go back to playing. There’s a very different feeling to that kind of time-out. It doesn’t say, “I’m banishing you because you were bad.” The message here is, “I’m on your side.
“Jackie, come over here and sit with me for a little while. We need some time-out.” She’d sit with her arm comfortingly around her daughter for a few minutes, then ask her if she thought she was ready to go back to playing. There’s a very different feeling to that kind of time-out. It doesn’t say, “I’m banishing you because you were bad.” The message here is, “I’m on your side. It’s not easy to play with a bunch of kids. Let’s take a break together.”
You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!
When we use problem-solving in place of punishment, we are truly modeling the attitude we want our kids to take toward conflict in their lives. Not “I’m a bad kid who doesn’t deserve a bedtime story.” Not “I’m a failure as a mom because I screamed at my kid,” but rather, “How can I fix my mistake?” “How can I make things work better?” “What should I try next time?”
The larger message is: When there is conflict between us, we don’t need to put our energy into fighting each other. We can combine forces to search for a solution that respects the needs of all parties. The child is an active participant in solving his problems.
How do you ground a teenager or take away his screen privileges without becoming a prisoner of your own punishment?
As youngsters mature, their ability to problem-solve grows with them.
• If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations. • Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem. • Remove the disputed object temporarily. • You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!
The first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise.
TOOL #1: Describe What You See
A more useful way to praise is to resist the impulse to evaluate and instead to simply describe what you see
“You did it!”
All of these statements let a child know that you noticed and appreciated something he did—without evaluation or judgment, which could discourage him from future efforts.
Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.
TOOL #2: Describe the Effect on Others
But we need to beware the temptation to judge their character. Stick with description!
TOOL #3 Describe Effort
Used the wrong way, it can deter children from activities and behaviors that we mean to encourage. Maybe all of that “overpraising” of children is really just the wrong kind of praise.