How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

Let her know how you feel: “I’m very upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!”

Make a plan for the future: “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.” And you might also do some planning of your own. The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert. Make it easier for your child to practice honesty—adjust your expectations and manage the environment.

We help our children face up to this challenge when we minimize the accusations, let them know we understand how they feel, and show them how to make amends.

“It can be scary to tell the truth when you feel bad about what you did. But you did tell the truth, even though it wasn’t easy.”

“First you let her know how you feel, and then you give her the words she can use to express herself without irritating you.

“Except that you can always go ahead and say the unhelpful thing, and then come back later when you’re not so upset and give it another try. That’s what I often end up doing. When I’m feeling attacked I don’t usually come up with the perfectly crafted response. But even while I’m yelling, there’s a little voice in the back of my head saying, ‘I’m going to fix this later.’ Kids can be pretty forgiving as long as you don’t say anything truly damaging.

Tell your kid, ‘I’m too upset to talk right now! We’ll talk about this later.’ Or roar it. ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’ Then take a break if you can. Go for a walk if there’s another adult around, or to your room, or the bathroom, or wherever you can find refuge. Do whatever it is you do that makes you feel better. Run around the block, do push-ups, put on music, curl up with an understanding dog.

Tell your kid, ‘I’m too upset to talk right now! We’ll talk about this later.’ Or roar it. ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’ Then take a break if you can. Go for a walk if there’s another adult around, or to your room, or the bathroom, or wherever you can find refuge. Do whatever it is you do that makes you feel better. Run around the block, do push-ups, put on music, curl up with an understanding dog. You’ll come back

Tell your kid, ‘I’m too upset to talk right now! We’ll talk about this later.’ Or roar it. ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’ Then take a break if you can. Go for a walk if there’s another adult around, or to your room, or the bathroom, or wherever you can find refuge. Do whatever it is you do that makes you feel better. Run around the block, do push-ups, put on music, curl up with an understanding dog. You’ll come back refreshed and ready to use some tools.”

What has the child learned? That when an adult gets angry it’s not the end of the world.

What has the child learned? That when an adult gets angry it’s not the end of the world. It’s a temporary condition. Problems that cannot be solved in the heat of the moment can be solved later, when calmer, cooler moods prevail.

1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly

2. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t

3. Don’t Forget the Basics—Give Yourself and Your Child Time to Recover

“When a kid says, ‘She poked me!’ instead of focusing on the perpetrator, we can focus on the victim.

Tattling—Snitches and Whistle-Blowers

If we ignore the tattler she’ll be confused and frustrated. Why is this rule suddenly not a rule? When we accept her feelings and address the problem, she’s going to calm down.

If we ignore the tattler she’ll be confused and frustrated. Why is this rule suddenly not a rule? When we accept her feelings and address the problem, she’s going to calm down. By not punishing the perpetrator, we remove the incentive to tattle purely for the pleasure of power.

Little kids have different priorities from their parents. Let’s face it, they don’t care about disorder the way we do.

The first thing to do is adjust your expectations. We can’t expect kids to naturally want to clean up.