How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

Your kids will be pleased with themselves when they come up with their own plan. What’s more, they’ll be learning to fight less and negotiate more when they have conflicts in the future.

Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

The Trouble with Rewards

No promise of reward will help a child learn how to get along with a younger brother, figure out when his bladder is full, learn addition facts, or enjoy healthy food.

more useful in the long run. The same is true for siblings fighting, toilet training, good grades in school, or eating broccoli. No promise of reward will help a child learn how to get along with a younger brother, figure out when his bladder is full, learn addition facts, or enjoy healthy food.

toilet training, good grades in school, or eating broccoli. No promise of reward will help a child learn how to get along with a younger brother, figure out when his bladder is full, learn addition facts, or enjoy healthy food.

The same is true for siblings fighting, toilet training, good grades in school, or eating broccoli. No promise of reward will help a child learn how to get along with a younger brother, figure out when his bladder is full, learn addition facts, or enjoy healthy food.

An eye-opening study found that when people are offered large monetary rewards to complete a challenge, their creativity and engagement in the task plummets.

It turns out that the three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).2

I’m not saying you shouldn’t use incentives. Just use them for your kids the way you use them for yourself. You might tell yourself, After I get through this sinkful of dirty pots and pans, I’m going to sit down with the paper and a nice cup of tea. It helps to give yourself something to look forward to when faced with an unpleasant task.

“Let’s think of a good snack we can have on the ride home. That way we can look forward to getting into the car, even though it’s sad to leave your friend’s house.” The difference is that you’re not saying “if you get in the car, then I’ll give you a treat.” You’re planning your exit strategy together as a team.

“As soon as we get our teeth brushed, we can have bedtime stories.” “As soon as the blocks are put away, we can go to the park.” You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.

The Trouble with Time-Outs

The main weakness of the “time-out” is that it doesn’t address the problem.

We’d like to imagine that he’s thinking, Gee, this chair time is helping me realize that I should show a lot more love and tenderness to my dear sister. After all, we do have shared genetic material. As the older child I should learn to be more patient, even when she’s irritating me. Unfortunately it’s more likely that his thoughts will run along the lines of, It’s not fair. I hate her. She pushed me first. She’s always ruining everything. Mom always takes her side. Or he may be thinking, I’m mean to my sister. I’m a bad person.

“I don’t like to see people pushed! Even when you’re angry!”

do? First you can comfort your daughter and express your feelings strongly to your son. “I don’t like to see people pushed! Even when you’re angry!”

First you can comfort your daughter and express your feelings strongly to your son. “I don’t like to see people pushed! Even when you’re angry!”

You can invite your son to make amends, if the mood is right. “Ella is crying. How can we make her feel better? Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a pretzel?”

This is not to say that you won’t sometimes have to separate a child from a situation that is overwhelming him. If you really want to use the phrase time-out in a positive way, you can say, “We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!”