How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.

TOOL #2: Describe the Effect on Others

But we need to beware the temptation to judge their character. Stick with description!

TOOL #3 Describe Effort

Used the wrong way, it can deter children from activities and behaviors that we mean to encourage. Maybe all of that “overpraising” of children is really just the wrong kind of praise.

TOOL #4: Describe Progress

One advantage of descriptive praise is that you can use it even when things aren’t going particularly well, by pointing out what has been achieved so far.

Sometimes we do need to point out what’s wrong. Kids don’t always notice on their own. In a case like this it’s important to appreciate the positive first. If you want a criticism to be accepted graciously, a good rule to follow is to notice three positive things before mentioning the negative. And even then it’s most useful to put your criticism in positive terms. Talk about what “needs to be done” rather than what is still wrong.

We don’t have to be inauthentic and tell a child he is wonderful and his work is great in order to inflate his ego. We can give him specific descriptive feedback that is realistic and helpful.

Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.

“Ugh, you are not happy with the way that bicycle came out. It doesn’t look like what you see in your head. It’s not easy to draw a bike. It’s hard to put something from real life onto a flat piece of paper and get it to look right.”

When a child is feeling down, it’s more helpful to acknowledge feelings first, instead of offering empty reassurance:

Give a child a new picture of himself.

You may find yourself “needing help” a whole lot in the near future, with opening jar lids, filling juice glasses, finding your glasses, tightening screws, buckling the baby into the carseat, feeding the animals, arranging dessert on a plate, handing out art supplies, collecting papers, shutting doors, and turning off lights.

Resist the urge to praise by comparison.

we don’t want a child to feel that our pride in his success comes at the expense of others’ failures.

Instead you can stick with describing his actions, his efforts, his progress, and his effect on others:

By praising descriptively—by looking, listening, and noticing—we hold up a mirror to our children to show them their strengths.

TOOL #1: Join Them in Their World

TOOL #2: Take Time to Imagine What Your Child Is Experiencing