How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

“I’m putting the bike away for now. You’re in no mood to have your head squeezed by a helmet, and I can’t let you ride without one.”

see you have a lot of energy. I’m worried that the screen could break. Let’s find something to play with that can take some rough treatment.”

Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.

The payoff for taking that extra step to engage our kids’ cooperation without orders, bribes, and threats is enormous.

Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time.

Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!1

We hope that the suffering will motivate the offender to do better in the future.

Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future. Punishment actually increases the undesired behavior.1

A child who is punished harshly can develop other problems, from fear and timidity to aggression toward other children.

• And finally, the punishments we mete out to our children give them a blueprint for how to approach conflict in their lives. We have to ask ourselves if we want them to use these methods on their peers and siblings.

“What should we do? We need an idea!”

Keep in mind, this conflict matters just as much to your children as any dispute with a coworker, friend, or relative matters to you. Children need practice resolving their “childish” disputes so they can become grown-ups who can peacefully resolve their adult disputes.

Instead of saying, “Oh please, again with the remote? You’re being silly. It’s not worth fighting over.” You can say, “This is a difficult problem. Two children want to watch two different shows.” You’ll have to resist the urge to take sides. “You always get your way. Just let your little sister watch her cartoon so she doesn’t make a fuss.” Avoid the temptation to solve their problem for them. “Let your brother watch his show today and then you can watch yours tomorrow.”

When the disputed object is in one child’s hand it will be hard for them to think clearly. The struggle will continue. You’ll need to say, “I’ll put the remote control up on the shelf for now, while we figure out what to do. I bet if we put our heads together we can think of a solution that feels fair to both of you.” Your next job is to listen and reflect back each child’s perspective.

Your kids will be pleased with themselves when they come up with their own plan. What’s more, they’ll be learning to fight less and negotiate more when they have conflicts in the future.

Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

The Trouble with Rewards

The same is true for siblings fighting, toilet training, good grades in school, or eating broccoli. No promise of reward will help a child learn how to get along with a younger brother, figure out when his bladder is full, learn addition facts, or enjoy healthy food.

An eye-opening study found that when people are offered large monetary rewards to complete a challenge, their creativity and engagement in the task plummets.

It turns out that the three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).2