How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

They tell a child that you respect his feelings and his need to go slowly. They also let him know that he’s in charge. He’s not being pushed. But the most important part is what you’re not saying. You’re not keeping him stuck in a role. Dad said I’m shy. I must be shy. I’d better stay behind his legs where it’s safe.

Instead you’re issuing an invitation. You’re protecting him while he’s feeling uncomfortable. But the door is left wide open. He can ease into the activities without fanfare, as soon as he’s ready.

5. Put the Child in Charge “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”

“You didn’t like being grabbed, and I didn’t like being scared I would lose you. What should we do next time?”

The first priority, of course, is to protect. Take action to prevent injury! This may involve grabbing a child. The words that accompany this action are important. We need alternatives to “bad boy” or “how could you hurt the baby like that?” or “don’t be mean!” We need words that state your values without attacking the child. “Sisters are not for pushing!”

The next priority is to attend to the victim. “Let me kiss that bump to make it feel better. Should we put ice on it?”

We can help him make amends: “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you bring her the teddy bear? . . . Thank you, Benjamin!”

And finally we can acknowledge feelings and problem-solve for next time: “It’s not easy to live with a one-year-old. What can a person do when a baby starts to crawl on them or grab their stuff?”

1. Take Action Without Insult

2. Express Your Feelings Strongly

REMINDER: Hitting, Pinching, Poking, Punching, Pushing

3. Help the Child Make Amends

4. Acknowledge Feelings

5. Give Information

6. Try Problem-Solving

Sometimes our role is to provide sympathy without giving in to a child’s demand, whether that demand is to have candy for breakfast or to keep a parent up all night.

The challenge is to notice and accept our own violent feelings, and at the same time limit our actions so we do no harm. Or, if we do cause harm, the challenge is to reconnect with our children once we’ve recovered.”

When Parents Get Angry!

Say it with a word.

giving information. You can roar, “BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!!”