How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words. Often when questioned like this, even adults can feel threatened. We have the feeling we are being asked to justify how we feel and that our explanation may not live up to the asker’s standards.

By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification. You don’t have to figure out the cause of the feelings in order to empathize.

TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention

(Don’t just say something. Sit there!)

By lending an attentive ear and firmly squeezing our lips together, or letting out a sympathetic grunt, we can help our children find their own way through their feelings. The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

• All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

It’s human nature. We’re stuck with it, and our children are no different. We resist being told what to do. Direct orders provoke direct opposition.

When we give children commands, we’re working against ourselves. Where we had hoped to inspire obedience, we’ve just stirred up rebellion in their little hearts.

You know, being punctual is a life skill. And it’s a skill you better learn if you want to be successful in life.

If you do this, I’ll do that. The problem with a threat is that it can come awfully close to sounding like a dare.

TOOL #1: Be Playful

make an inanimate object talk.

turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.

Instead of telling a classroom of preschoolers to sit still and be quiet, have them freeze like statues. Tell them they’re “as still as an iceberg,” or “as quiet as a little mouse hiding in the grass from a cat.”

if you can muster up a little playfulness, it actually takes less energy than having to deal with all the whining and resistance you get from a direct order.

You’re also teaching kids how to turn a tedious task into a pleasant activity.

TOOL #2: Offer a Choice

Each of these statements says to your child, “I see you as a person who can make decisions about your own life.” And every time your child makes a small decision, she’s getting valuable practice for some of the bigger decisions she’ll be making down the road.

Don’t turn a choice into a threat.

When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!