How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen
by Joanna Faber · 280 highlights
Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
Acknowledge Feelings with Words
TOOL #1: Acknowledge Feelings with Words
Sit on those “buts.”
TOOL #2: Acknowledge Feelings with Writing
TOOL #3: Acknowledge Feelings with Art
TOOL #4: Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality
Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words. Often when questioned like this, even adults can feel threatened. We have the feeling we are being asked to justify how we feel and that our explanation may not live up to the asker’s standards.
By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification.
By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification. You don’t have to figure out the cause of the feelings in order to empathize.
TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention
(Don’t just say something. Sit there!)
By lending an attentive ear and firmly squeezing our lips together, or letting out a sympathetic grunt, we can help our children find their own way through their feelings.
By lending an attentive ear and firmly squeezing our lips together, or letting out a sympathetic grunt, we can help our children find their own way through their feelings. The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections.
By lending an attentive ear and firmly squeezing our lips together, or letting out a sympathetic grunt, we can help our children find their own way through their feelings. The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.
• Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .”
• All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .”
• All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
It’s human nature. We’re stuck with it, and our children are no different. We resist being told what to do. Direct orders provoke direct opposition.
When we give children commands, we’re working against ourselves. Where we had hoped to inspire obedience, we’ve just stirred up rebellion in their little hearts.