How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

“I’m putting the bike away for now. You’re in no mood to have your head squeezed by a helmet, and I can’t let you ride without one.”

see you have a lot of energy. I’m worried that the screen could break. Let’s find something to play with that can take some rough treatment.”

Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused.

Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.

The payoff for taking that extra step to engage our kids’ cooperation without orders, bribes, and threats is enormous.

Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time.

Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!1

We hope that the suffering will motivate the offender to do better in the future.

Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future. Punishment actually increases the undesired behavior.1

A child who is punished harshly can develop other problems, from fear and timidity to aggression toward other children.

• And finally, the punishments we mete out to our children give them a blueprint for how to approach conflict in their lives. We have to ask ourselves if we want them to use these methods on their peers and siblings.

“What should we do? We need an idea!”

Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.

Keep in mind, this conflict matters just as much to your children as any dispute with a coworker, friend, or relative matters to you. Children need practice resolving their “childish” disputes so they can become grown-ups who can peacefully resolve their adult disputes.

Instead of saying, “Oh please, again with the remote? You’re being silly. It’s not worth fighting over.”

Instead of saying, “Oh please, again with the remote? You’re being silly. It’s not worth fighting over.” You can say, “This is a difficult problem. Two children want to watch two different shows.”

Instead of saying, “Oh please, again with the remote? You’re being silly. It’s not worth fighting over.” You can say, “This is a difficult problem. Two children want to watch two different shows.” You’ll have to resist the urge to take sides. “You always get your way. Just let your little sister watch her cartoon so she doesn’t make a fuss.” Avoid the temptation to solve their problem for them. “Let your brother watch his show today and then you can watch yours tomorrow.”

Remove the disputed object temporarily.

When the disputed object is in one child’s hand it will be hard for them to think clearly. The struggle will continue. You’ll need to say, “I’ll put the remote control up on the shelf for now, while we figure out what to do. I bet if we put our heads together we can think of a solution that feels fair to both of you.”

When the disputed object is in one child’s hand it will be hard for them to think clearly. The struggle will continue. You’ll need to say, “I’ll put the remote control up on the shelf for now, while we figure out what to do. I bet if we put our heads together we can think of a solution that feels fair to both of you.” Your next job is to listen and reflect back each child’s perspective.