How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

I’m not saying you shouldn’t use incentives. Just use them for your kids the way you use them for yourself. You might tell yourself, After I get through this sinkful of dirty pots and pans, I’m going to sit down with the paper and a nice cup of tea. It helps to give yourself something to look forward to when faced with an unpleasant task.

“Let’s think of a good snack we can have on the ride home. That way we can look forward to getting into the car, even though it’s sad to leave your friend’s house.” The difference is that you’re not saying “if you get in the car, then I’ll give you a treat.” You’re planning your exit strategy together as a team.

“As soon as we get our teeth brushed, we can have bedtime stories.” “As soon as the blocks are put away, we can go to the park.” You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.

The Trouble with Time-Outs

The main weakness of the “time-out” is that it doesn’t address the problem.

We’d like to imagine that he’s thinking, Gee, this chair time is helping me realize that I should show a lot more love and tenderness to my dear sister. After all, we do have shared genetic material. As the older child I should learn to be more patient, even when she’s irritating me. Unfortunately it’s more likely that his thoughts will run along the lines of, It’s not fair. I hate her. She pushed me first. She’s always ruining everything. Mom always takes her side. Or he may be thinking, I’m mean to my sister. I’m a bad person.

First you can comfort your daughter and express your feelings strongly to your son. "I don't like to see people pushed! Even when you're angry!"

You can invite your son to make amends, if the mood is right. “Ella is crying. How can we make her feel better? Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a pretzel?”

This is not to say that you won’t sometimes have to separate a child from a situation that is overwhelming him. If you really want to use the phrase time-out in a positive way, you can say, “We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!” You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not to punish. It’s a way of letting our children know that sometimes we need to take a break before we can solve a problem.

“Jackie, come over here and sit with me for a little while. We need some time-out.” She’d sit with her arm comfortingly around her daughter for a few minutes, then ask her if she thought she was ready to go back to playing. There’s a very different feeling to that kind of time-out. It doesn’t say, “I’m banishing you because you were bad.” The message here is, “I’m on your side. It’s not easy to play with a bunch of kids. Let’s take a break together.”

When we use problem-solving in place of punishment, we are truly modeling the attitude we want our kids to take toward conflict in their lives. Not “I’m a bad kid who doesn’t deserve a bedtime story.” Not “I’m a failure as a mom because I screamed at my kid,” but rather, “How can I fix my mistake?” “How can I make things work better?” “What should I try next time?”

The larger message is: When there is conflict between us, we don’t need to put our energy into fighting each other. We can combine forces to search for a solution that respects the needs of all parties. The child is an active participant in solving his problems.

How do you ground a teenager or take away his screen privileges without becoming a prisoner of your own punishment?

As youngsters mature, their ability to problem-solve grows with them.

• If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations. • Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem. • Remove the disputed object temporarily. • You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!

The first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise.

TOOL #1: Describe What You See

A more useful way to praise is to resist the impulse to evaluate and instead to simply describe what you see

“You did it!”

All of these statements let a child know that you noticed and appreciated something he did—without evaluation or judgment, which could discourage him from future efforts.