How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen - Books

TOOL #3: Put the Child in Charge

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TOOL #4: Give Information

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TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)

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When you say ‘chairs!’ you’re giving us the benefit of the doubt. You assume that if you just point out the problem, we’ll be glad to fix it. The other way is disrespectful. You’re implying that we’re lazy, thoughtless people.”

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What happens when your four-year-old hears you say, “Apple core”? She has to think. Apple core? What about an apple core? Oh, I left it on the couch. I guess I should put it in the garbage. The child tells herself what to do. She doesn’t feel bossed around.

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Just be careful that the one word you use is a noun, not a verb. A verb is more likely to sound like a command. Sit! Come! Quiet! Better for dog training than for child rearing. I asked the

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Toothbrushing gesture. Finger to lips gesture. Handwashing gesture.

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TOOL #6: Describe What You See

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Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.

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As you may have noticed in the last example, when you describe what you see, it helps to describe the positive instead of focusing on the negative. Describe the progress that you see before pointing out what’s left to be done.

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TOOL #7: Describe How You Feel

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It can be helpful for a child to know what another person is feeling. Kids need to know when their parents or teachers are frightened, frustrated, or angry.

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I told him, “You’re getting good at putting your angry feelings into words instead of hitting. That’s not easy to do.”

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When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

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When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you.

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Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.

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Save your outrage for those times when it is unavoidable. Your kid smacked you in the nose, covered the cat in molasses, flushed your wedding ring down the toilet. Fury is not a useful everyday seasoning for a relationship!

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TOOL #8: Write a Note

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TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult

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I offered various options: the 6:00 p.m. slot, the 6:15 slot, and the 6:30 slot.

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