How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

The first thing to do is adjust your expectations. We can’t expect kids to naturally want to clean up. Like it or not, it’s our job to make the task appealing.

Helping out with cleanup is a good opportunity for them to develop new skills and contribute to the family.

Helping out with cleanup is a good opportunity for them to develop new skills and contribute to the family. Even a child too young to care about order and organization can feel a sense of purpose and pride that comes from helping out.

You can offer a choice and at the same time make the task feel less overwhelming: “Do you want to start by picking up all the books, or by tossing all the dirty clothes

You can make it a game: “How many blocks can we get into the bag in two minutes? Johnny, you set the timer. Ready . . . set . . . GO!”

Describe what you see with appreciation. “Wow, look at this big cleanup you did. You guys are quite a team. This floor was covered with dirty laundry and train tracks, and now it’s a pleasure to walk on!”

It’s important to point out progress instead of criticizing an incomplete job.

When children have left you an unpleasant surprise, resist the urge to threaten and accuse: “Who made this big mess? No TV tonight if this doesn’t get cleaned up.” Instead, stick with describing what you see and giving information. “I see crumbs all over the floor. That will attract ants. This room needs a good sweeping. Here’s the broom!”

If you feel the urge to lecture,

If you feel the urge to lecture, try to limit yourself to a word.

What’s important at this stage is developing a positive feeling about being helpful and working together.

We always have the fallback of taking action without insult. If you need to restrain her, you can do it with understanding and sympathy. “I’m going to hold you on my lap while the doctor gives you the injection. I know you don’t like this. I wish there were a less painful way to protect you from diseases.”

That kids are different. That some tools will work for one kid and not another. That sometimes it helps to put the child in the driver’s seat and let him control the action. That other times it’s best to take action—take the child out of the driver’s seat and not burden him with that responsibility. That parenting is an art, not a science. And that I’d better not get too smug.

“Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”

They tell a child that you respect his feelings and his need to go slowly. They also let him know that he’s in charge. He’s not being pushed. But the most important part is what you’re not saying. You’re not keeping him stuck in a role. Dad said I’m shy. I must be shy. I’d better stay behind his legs where it’s safe.

Instead you’re issuing an invitation. You’re protecting him while he’s feeling uncomfortable. But the door is left wide open. He can ease into the activities without fanfare, as soon as he’s ready.

5. Put the Child in Charge “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”

“You didn’t like being grabbed, and I didn’t like being scared I would lose you. What should we do next time?”

The first priority, of course, is to protect. Take action to prevent injury! This may involve grabbing a child. The words that accompany this action are important. We need alternatives to “bad boy” or “how

The first priority, of course, is to protect. Take action to prevent injury! This may involve grabbing a child. The words that accompany this action are