How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: Break Bad Screen Habits, End Power Struggles, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids

If there is no alliance, you aren’t on the same side of the battle. You’re fighting a war, and it pits you against your child. And just as in any battle, every time you impose a limit, they are going to try to find a way to get around it.

An unstructured household—or a disorganized parent—is one of the biggest risk factors for uncontrolled gaming.

Games should be a positive reward, one you can both feel good about because the necessary stuff has already been taken care of.

the more time your child spends around games, the more the games will colonize their mind.

Studies have shown that being in the same room as your cell phone increases levels of cortisol—our primary stress hormone.

plants secrete compounds called aerosols; when you smell a plant, these chemical compounds actually reduce anxiety and positively affect your mood.

Boundaries are mile markers, not finish lines. Define these markers well in the first place so you don’t have to keep going back on what you said, or recalibrating what your child will agree to.

If you have a lot of expectations in your boundary plan, you need to make sure that you have a lot of points of contact to make sure your child is doing those things.

Boundaries can only be enforced around points where your schedule allows. Establishing a boundary that you cannot enforce results in training your child to ignore your words.

“What kinds of grades do you think you should be maintaining?” Or, “It is important that you do some kind of physical activity, some amount of social activity, some amount of family involvement, and some amount of chores. What would you like to start with?”

When thinking about limits for gaming, most parents in our programs focus on what their kid should be doing. Instead, success comes from focusing on what they can realistically start with.

When you start doing your weekly check-ins, open with the following questions: • How did this week go? • What was hard for you? • What did you like about the week? • How was your gaming this week? • How do you feel about your chores, academic work, etc.?

even though you need to be consistent with your boundary enforcement, not all plans are fixed in stone.

You need to have the capacity to tolerate rocking the boat; you need to be okay with your child getting upset.

gaming-related rewards can sometimes do more harm than good.

The key element here is that you want to set the rules of the game, and you want to give your child a path to success. Because, though it might not feel like it right now, they do want to succeed, just as much as you want them to. Make sure success is within reach for them as you set up a realistic plan.

Start by discussing your needs and goals—yours and, by extension, your child’s. Some of these need to be absolutes—as in, they are absolutely nonnegotiable. But those are the minority. The majority should be negotiable—the child should be able to choose.

You guys have a voice, but not a vote.

You can dream big, but you are starting small. You want to work on one or two goals, at most, so don’t get greedy at the start. Figure out the tiniest hill that you’re willing to die on. Then start there.

You are trying to learn what elements of gaming are most important to your child.