Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) Third Edition: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

contempt is a predictor of divorce not because it causes the wish to separate but because it reflects the couple’s feelings of psychological separation. Contempt emerges only after years of squabbles and quarrels that keep resulting, as for Frank and Debra, in yet another unsuccessful effort to get the other person to behave differently. It is an indication that the partner is throwing in the towel, thinking, “There’s no point hoping that you will ever change; you are just like your mother after all.”

They have learned that negative ways of thinking and blaming usually come first and are unrelated to the couple’s frequency of anger or either party’s feelings of depression.

Happy and unhappy partners simply think differently about each other’s behavior, even when they are responding to identical situations and actions.

self-justification is the prime suspect in the murder of a marriage.

Each partner resolves the dissonance caused by conflicts and irritations by explaining the spouse’s behavior in a particular way. That explanation, in turn, sets them on a path down the pyramid.

They shift from minimizing negative aspects of the marriage to overemphasizing them, seeking any bit of supporting evidence to fit their new story. As the new story takes shape, with husband and wife rehearsing it privately or with sympathetic friends, the partners become blind to each other’s good qualities, the ones that initially caused them to fall in love.

when the “magic ratio” dips below five to one: Successful couples have a ratio of five times as many positive interactions (such as expressions of love, affection, and humor) to negative ones (such as expressions of annoyance and

The tipping point at which a couple starts rewriting their love story, Gottman finds, is when the “magic ratio” dips below five to one: Successful couples have a ratio of five times as many positive interactions (such as expressions of love, affection, and humor) to negative ones (such as expressions of annoyance and

The tipping point at which a couple starts rewriting their love story, Gottman finds, is when the “magic ratio” dips below five to one: Successful couples have a ratio of five times as many positive interactions (such as expressions of love, affection, and humor) to negative ones (such as expressions of annoyance and complaints).

“Volatile couples may yell and scream a lot, but they spend five times as much of their marriage being loving and making up,”

When the ratio is five to one or better, any dissonance that arises is generally reduced in a positive direction.

“I have found that nothing foretells a marriage’s future as accurately as how a couple retells their past,”

Over and over we have heard people say, “I knew the week after the wedding I’d made a terrible mistake.” “But why did you have three children and stay together for the next twenty-seven years?” “Oh, I don’t know; I just felt obligated, I guess.”

As long as couples choose to stay in a relationship that is far from their ideal, they reduce dissonance in ways that support their decision: “It’s not really that bad.” “Most marriages are worse than mine—or certainly no better.” “He forgot my birthday, but he does many other things that show me he loves me.” “We have problems, but overall I love her.” When one or both partners start thinking of divorce, however, their efforts to reduce dissonance will now justify the decision to leave: “This marriage really is that bad.” “Most marriages are better than mine.” “He forgot my birthday, and it means he doesn’t love me.”

“They do not know what to give up in order to be a couple,” says Tiefer. “They each want to do what they feel entitled to do, and they can’t discuss the important issues that affect them as a pair. And as long as they stay mad at each other, they don’t have to discuss those matters, because discussion might actually require them to compromise or consider the partner’s point of view. They have a very difficult time with empathy, each one feeling completely confident that the other’s behavior is less reasonable than their own.

“They do not know what to give up in order to be a couple,” says Tiefer. “They each want to do what they feel entitled to do, and they can’t discuss the important issues that affect them as a pair. And as long as they stay mad at each other, they don’t have to discuss those matters, because discussion might actually require them to compromise or consider the partner’s point of view. They have a very difficult time with empathy, each one feeling completely confident that the other’s behavior is less reasonable than their own. So they bring up old resentments to justify their current position and their unwillingness to change, or forgive.”

the couples who grow together over the years have figured out a way to live with a minimum of self-justification, which is another way of saying that they are able to put empathy for the partner ahead of defending their own territory.

Successful, stable couples are able to listen to each other’s criticisms, concerns, and suggestions undefensively.

In good marriages, a confrontation, difference of opinion, clashing habits, and even angry quarrels can bring the couple closer, by helping each partner learn something new and by forcing them to examine their assumptions about their abilities or limitations.

Letting go of the self-justifications that cover up our mistakes, that protect our desires to do things just the way we want to, and that minimize the hurts we inflict on those we love can be embarrassing and painful