Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) Third Edition: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

misunderstandings, conflicts, personality differences, and even angry quarrels are not the assassins of love; self-justification is.

Each of them understands the other’s point of view perfectly, but the need for self-justification is preventing them from accepting the other’s position as legitimate.

Frank justifies his unwillingness to discuss difficult or painful topics in the name of his “tolerance” and his ability to “just let things ride.”

Debra got it right when she observed that Frank justifies ignoring her demands to communicate by attributing them to her irrational nature. But she doesn’t see that she is doing the same thing, that she justifies ignoring his wishes not to talk by attributing them to his stubborn nature.

Self-justification is blocking each partner from asking: Could I be wrong? Could I be making a mistake? Could I change?

When we explain our own behavior, self-justification allows us to flatter ourselves: We give ourselves credit for our good actions but let the situation excuse the bad ones.

a couple is arguing from the premise that each is a good person who did something wrong but fixable, or who did something blunder-headed because of momentary situational pressures, there is hope of correction and compromise.

being criticized for who you are rather than for what you did evokes a deep sense of shame and helplessness; it makes a person want to hide, disappear.6 Because the shamed person has nowhere to go to escape the desolate feeling of humiliation,

It is no longer an effort to solve a problem or even to get the other person to modify his or her behavior; it’s just to wound, to insult, to score.

contempt—criticism laced with sarcasm, name calling, and mockery—is one of the strongest signs that a relationship is in free fall.

one thing that self-justification is designed to protect: our feelings of self-worth, of being loved, of being a good and respected person.

contempt is a predictor of divorce not because it causes the wish to separate but because it reflects the couple’s feelings of psychological separation. Contempt emerges only after years of squabbles and quarrels that keep resulting, as for Frank and Debra, in yet another unsuccessful effort to get the other person to behave differently. It is an indication that the partner is throwing in the towel, thinking, “There’s no point hoping that you will ever change; you are just like your mother after all.”

They have learned that negative ways of thinking and blaming usually come first and are unrelated to the couple’s frequency of anger or either party’s feelings of depression.

Happy and unhappy partners simply think differently about each other’s behavior, even when they are responding to identical situations and actions.

self-justification is the prime suspect in the murder of a marriage.

Each partner resolves the dissonance caused by conflicts and irritations by explaining the spouse’s behavior in a particular way. That explanation, in turn, sets them on a path down the pyramid.

They shift from minimizing negative aspects of the marriage to overemphasizing them, seeking any bit of supporting evidence to fit their new story. As the new story takes shape, with husband and wife rehearsing it privately or with sympathetic friends, the partners become blind to each other’s good qualities, the ones that initially caused them to fall in love.

The tipping point at which a couple starts rewriting their love story, Gottman finds, is when the “magic ratio” dips below five to one: Successful couples have a ratio of five times as many positive interactions (such as expressions of love, affection, and humor) to negative ones (such as expressions of annoyance and complaints).

“Volatile couples may yell and scream a lot, but they spend five times as much of their marriage being loving and making up,”

When the ratio is five to one or better, any dissonance that arises is generally reduced in a positive direction.